Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
