he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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