NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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