i don't like sucking hair
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
