did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
