Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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