I molested 6 butterflies tonight
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
