I just saw a hot homeless man
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
