It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
