I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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