I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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