You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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