there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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