so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
