yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
