so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
