I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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