I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
