I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
