Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
