You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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