Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
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some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
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Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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