A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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