just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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