I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
