Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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