i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
