apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I FOUND THE LEGS
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
