When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
