is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
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I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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