so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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