im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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