apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
