Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I would ride that face into the sunset
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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