She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
