...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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