dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
