you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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