Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
