I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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