soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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