I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're like a gay fantastic four
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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