I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
