The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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