You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
