he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
