Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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