In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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