how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
