I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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