I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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