turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
