remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
