can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
