You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
