dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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