he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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