the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
